Love or Life?

I am currently experiencing one of those moments when you are awake reading at god-knows-what hour and you start thinking really deep things. The concept I am currently pondering, as evoked by John Green's The Fault in Our Stars, relates to death and love: if I had to choose, would I rather live a long life without ever falling in love or a short life that could double as an epic love story?

Now, before I delve further into this big and somewhat pointless question, I should tell you a bit about myself. I am an over thinker and an over feeler, who spends a lot of time deep inside her mind, imagining scenarios that are often implausible––which explains the fact that I want to be a writer. Because of this attribute, which I have yet to define as either a vice or virtue, I find myself near-constantly enthralled with the future and all the possibilities it holds for me. Unfortunately, as a die-hard romantic, yet single, seventeen-year-old, thinking about my future often leads me to certain worries pertaining to my romantic life. In simple terms I live in fear of being, in internet terms, "forever alone." However, as a girl who regards people who value having a romantic life above everything else with disdain, I am conflicted. This internal strife has lead me to consider how important falling in love is to me. I have come to the conclusion that, although I hope I have a full romantic life, I would still be able to lead a complete and happy life without one.

Though the other relationships in your life cannot give you the same satisfaction that a romantic relationship can, I reject the concept that without a romantic relationship you are "forever alone." If you are surrounded with loving friends and family, you are far from alone. This takes me back to my question of love or life. If I were to choose life, I could go on to do great things: I could leave some sort of significant mark on the world, positively impact the lives of others, raise children. If I were to choose love, I would get a sort of happiness that only people who have been in love can know. Because of this, I have to answer the question in an obnoxiously roundabout way. It doesn't matter which option you choose. 

I say this for one reason and one reason only: you cannot miss something you haven't experienced. You can't miss a long life you've never had anymore than you can miss a love you've never felt. The wonderful, yet horrible, thing about life is that when we are at a crossroads we are not allowed to peer down each path and choose knowing how things will pan out. We have to choose based on intuition, and hope we lead ourselves someplace decent. We cannot live our lives wishing we could turn back the clock and make different decisions. I've had one or two instances when I've wanted a "13 going on 30" miracle, where you get to go back and unmake your bad decision, but I've moved on with the simple hope that I made that dumb choice for a reason. I'd rather feel the guilt and pain, learn from it, and move on than let regret drag me down with it.

The art of being friendly

I am probably one of the least friendly people on the planet. I've been thinking about this tragic flaw of mine lately and I've come up with the reasoning behind it. I'm sure all of you have––at least at some point in your life––felt pressured to fit into the little box society has set aside for you. Society has made me believe that a teenage girl should be agreeable, kind, sweet, nurturing, that a girl who speaks out and voices her opinions is rude or arrogant or "has to be a lesbian".

This box may seem trivial, and of course it is compared to the gender inequalities that people face elsewhere in the world, but my mom always told me––and I firmly believe that––you can't judge other people unless you are perfect. In Canada, every man, woman, and child of every gender, religion, ethnicity, and sexual orientation has equal rights. But it isn’t what is written in the Constitution that gives us equality; it is the way we perceive one another. How can we preach equality when we have stopped trying to master it in our own country?

But I'm digressing. My point is, like most people, I do not fit into the box society has made for me. Although I have many typically feminine tendencies, I always have a strong opinion to voice, I love playing aggressive sports, I have a witty sense of humour, and I am blunt. These qualities are at the very centre of my being, and yet I hide them from people at first for fear of judgement. Because I don't let myself be myself around new people, but I also don't know how to be anyone else, I end up going almost completely silent. The other day, I was out on date kind of thing with a boy, and I found myself acting completely unlike myself. Whenever he asked what I wanted to do, rather than being honest, I pretended not to mind, so I would seem agreeable. I answered his questions politely, but rarely elaborated, and asked him questions back. In the end, I just didn't talk very much and we didn't have very good conversation. Looking back, I am disgusted with myself.

People in general need to accept who they are more and show their wonderfully complex selves off to the world. Although the boxes society puts us in are roomier than they were in the past, we need to get rid of the boxes once and for all. Humanity's fixation on order and classifying people is quite frankly ridiculous and stupid. If we all try to be openminded about ourselves and other people perhaps we can provoke others to do the same.